I’ve been thinking about this for a while: stop updating random nonsense tech intro and learn things I’ve long been interested in, at a MUCH larger scale compared with what I’m doing currently.

Previously I’m learning in a continuous way, but seldom explore and conquer the frontiers,¹ unless it happened to be the time I open up my mind to experiment things. That only happens probably once a year, and now it’s the second wave of this year, for which time I hope to extend the life circle of such pulse a bit longer.

Also, I think I’m gradually losing my literary mind as I step in deeper to the chamber of computer science, Cyberspace or digital world in general.

When was the last time I wrote a literary criticism? I can’t remember. When was the last time I finished reading a whole book instead of chapters? I can’t remember.² When was the last time I cleaned up my lengthy reading list? I can’t remember. Not to mention the exploration of new writers, new topics and therefore new state of mind.

Not a brag, but I agree full-heartedly to Bertrand Russell’s claim in the prologue of his autobiography What I Have Lived For:

Three passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong, have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind. These passions, like great winds, have blown me hither and thither, in a wayward course, over a great ocean of anguish, reaching to the very verge of despair.

For years the second and third thoughts took over my head and have blown me hither and thither, with the rare exception of grace periods I can feel the ecstasy the first brought to me, if any. Sometimes it suddenly turns into monstrous beings unimaginable and forces me to ride the damn roller coaster with the destination of the very verge of despair.

The same evil I too suffer of human life haunts me and I cannot alleviate it. So I resort to the second, again, in exchange of my conscience and morality.

It occurs to me that I’m again off-topic and questioning life which I just can’t resist.

So it means I would stop posting until I accomplish a few unnamed things on those endless subjects I keep resisting for the sake of my physical and mental health.

I don’t know how this would end up with. Maybe in a week or two I feel bored and escape back to my comfort zone as I can’t relief that terrible loneliness. Maybe I would become a paranoid yet another time and rescue myself from it in a few years. Maybe I would manage to turn this ordeal into the driving force for progress, completing the transformation. Who knows? And nobody cares.

Let me end this farewell with a quote from The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde:

We are punished for our refusals. Every impulse that we strive to strangle broods in the mind, and poisons us. The body sins once, and has done with its sin, for action is a mode of purification. Nothing remains then but the recollection of a pleasure, or the luxury of a regret. The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself, with desire for what its monstrous laws have made monstrous and unlawful. It has been said that the great events of the world take place in the brain. It is in the brain, and the brain only, that the great sins of the world take place also.